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Monday, October 27, 2003

The 'Tard blog: harrowing stories from a special education teacher; guaranteed to curdle your blood and seriously consider sterilization procedures for the intellectually and socially vacant members of the populace who choose to fuck like rats and then freebase paint thinner mixed with bathub meth whilst pregnant.

This one's for you, 'Da.
To the woman off of Wabash who burst into loud, hysterical tears upon discovering the boot fast adhered to the front wheel of her decrepit Honda Civic,
Thank you.
I needed a good laugh today.


On the eve of his 25th anniversary as pontiff of the new Holy Roman Empire, Pope John Paul II had offered an edict to persons in countries ravaged by AIDS to avoid using condoms because “they have tiny holes in them through which HIV can pass—potentially exposing thousands of people to risk.” The edict prompted incredulous outrage from the World Health Organization, and questions from the rest of the world on not only the pope’s tenuous grip on sanity and the Catholic Church’s relevance to a world painted not in bold strokes of black and white, but in subtle washes of gray.

To some this may seem trivial. To the faithful—many of whom filled St. Peter’s square with a cacophonic babel of English, German, Polish and Cantonese (including Bernard Law, disgraced archbishop of Boston and filthy swine)—the Vatican’s view of birth control has always been verboten, an affront to the mechanical act of procreation that stocks their barracks with more acquiescent “Christian soldiers.”
This latest statement calls into query the long uncoiling thread of the church’s supposed moral authority, adhered to and unquestioned by some 1 billion people worldwide. Following the horrific revelations of last year’s pedophilia scandal, the latest offering of the church’s arrogance has the potential to be far more damaging in the long run, in addition to answering the unsettling question as to whether Priests use protection whilst buggering alter boys.

Developed nations have long had the advantage of a secular divide between health and civil liberties, and the overreaching malevolent authority of the Catholic Church’s condescending 15th-century policies. However, the Vatican’s latest statement has far reaching consequences for people in Asia, Latin America and sub-Sahara Africa, where health care and reproductive information has been withheld and slandered by the church, particularly in areas where the number of people infected with HIV or AIDS is as high as 40 percent.

“AIDS … has grown so fast because of the availability of condoms,” said Raphael Ndingi Nzeki, archbishop of Nairobi.

In some places, such as the town of Lwak, near Lake Victoria, AIDS testing centers are forbidden from distributing prophylactics because of church opposition. “Some priests have even been saying that condoms are laced with HIV/AIDS,” said Gordon Wambi, director of the AIDS testing center.

Despite a strong consensus among the scientific community that condoms, when used effectively may “reduce the risk of HIV infection by 90 percent, the Vatican refuses to alter its position.

“They are wrong about that … this is an easily recognizable fact,” stated the Vatican’s Cardinal Trujillo.

The United Nation’s World Health Organization has strongly condemned the church’s views, stating that: “These incorrect statements about condoms and HIV are dangerous when we are facing a global pandemic, which has already killed more than 20 million people, and currently affects at least 42 million.”

No one views the Catholic Church and its missionaries as an occupational force, but their ideology and methods border on terrorist actions by preying on the unwilling ignorance of the people they claim to be helping “in the name of Christ.” This country has had its fair share of Jesus freaks and nut jobs, both in and out of office, and it’s always been an ongoing battle to keep them on the fringes of politics and society where they belong. But the people on the receiving end of the church’s propaganda find themselves left with no alternative but to swallow the dogma shoved at them.

There is a cold gleam to truth that the Catholic Church has always strayed from; pragmatism and practicality grounded in reality have always been a threat to the romanticism warmed over by fires fed by heretics and roads paved with the bones of martyrs. Even 2000 years since its unsightly inception, the new Holy Roman Empire has yet to relinquish the time honored tradition of the crusade, trading swords and armor for bread and promises of salvation; they don’t burn astronomers anymore — that would be impolite.

There has been, and will continue to be, criticism for the short-sighted and ill-executed foreign policy on the part of our government. But there is little vocal condemnation for the Vatican’s unchanged policies. Our country is helmed by a loser; a ridiculous, masturbating chimp whose incessant and enduring erections stem from his continuous and virtually unchallenged expansion of power. But his sins are small compared to the legacy of pain and deceit that the long line of pontiffs have wrought.

Bush may come from a family of opportune cretins, but John Paul II is the latest in a long line of unjustly respected men whose ranks have been filled with murderers, thieves and genocidal conspirators. Our country wallows in a quagmire because we have poor guidance and have forsaken our vision, but we can and will regain our footing because our foundations are secure and just. The Vatican never will; they haven’t a sturdy leg to stand on, and they never did.

The faithful may turn their eyes and ears like primates to avert the searing gaze of the sun, claiming John Paul’s innocence. Regardless of their blind devotion, the fact remains that he and his legions of lieutenants, filled out with the likes of Mother Theresa, are responsible for the secondary deaths of millions through ecclesiastical stubbornness and intellectual indifference, and all of his followers bear a degree of culpability.

So now, after a quarter century of lies, we come to it, as the drooling masses crowd the Golden City, begging the frail, old man who sits removed on his shining throne like a piece of dried meat for “inspiration” to strengthen their invisible crutches. These are the wails of a dying beast, a creature whose “usefulness” is revealed as nothing more than a convolution of fear and mendacity. And if we turn our backs and walk, walk damn you, we may soon hear the pining keen of a death rattle.

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